Nishtha Shrestha

ANy form of loss is painful. But the loss of a romantic partner is a different experience altogether. Regardless of the time spent, once an attachment is formed, the person becomes an important part of one's life. In the hour of grief, the rituals help to ground the person in reality but the mental toll is hard to recover from easily. Once the grieving partner recovers from the shock and the normal routines start, a perpetual void is experienced. Pain knows no gender yet the different set of rules for widows and widowers shows how society has disregarded the pain of the former group.

There are many indicators to identify a married woman. Throughout the married life, the society stresses upon its importance. After the death of the husband, society forgets that these elements have become an extension of the woman by continuous reinforcement. One can argue that this is done to remove reminders of the loss but should not this be a woman's choice. With the status of a widow, new exclusions are also introduced. She is no longer considered auspicious for performing major rituals nor is she allowed to wear bright colours. Two easily identifiable discriminatory examples can be seen during weddings. Widows are not allowed to welcome a new bride and are given a lighter shade of sari during the tradition of sari distribution for the family.

No matter how capable a woman is, once she becomes a widow she is treated like a helpless woman. This reinforces the belief in young girls who witness such incidents that marriage is the way to gain status in the society. It is true we no longer have the infamous Sati practice now, but society does not encourage remarriage among widows. For widowers, the topic of remarriage is as normal as waking up in the morning. The excuse given is that men need someone to take care of them. This belief is accepted as a universal truth and widows do not think about raising a voice against this inequality. Even though the experience is the same, the derogatory tag of "used goods" is applied for widows while the widowers are somehow considered as eligible bachelors.

In the matters of decision making as well, widows are treated unfairly. At home, they are not included when important matters need to be decided. The loss of a husband immediately takes away her previous position in the family. Outside home, her independence is treated with suspicion. As long as a male member of the family is helping her, she is safe to live her life. But if the opposite sex is an outsider, the gossips and criticisms make her life more difficult than it already is. If this is the case of widows in our society then how are they supposed to grieve in peace.

It is promising to see the current generation of young girls taking charge of their life. The campaigns on women empowerment target such young girls and to an extent include married women. But widows are rarely a part of the agenda. Womanhood does not stop after the death of the husband. Thus, it is time we stop treating widows as invisible beings. The loss is devastating enough and subjecting widows to these subtle discriminations in the name of traditions is a matter of shame to the humanity.